Stretchy Pants Guy

She was leaving with her husband and approached me at the bar on her way out the door. She introduced herself and told me that her friend at the end of the bar thought I was cute and was working up the nerve to come talk to me. When he arrived, she asked me to be nice. Great. Obviously exactly the kind of guy I'm looking for. One with no confidence and needs friends to "warn" women about their lack of social skills. But I get it...be nice.

After about 20 min, the gentleman comes over to sit by me but doesn't speak. OK. We both know why you are here, your friend warned me about you coming, and now you can't even introduce yourself? (be nice). So I introduce myself and start a general conversation. This gentleman is not what I would call a conversationalist but I was bored so forced/awkward conversation is better than no conversation, right?

He orders a plate of cheese sticks and offers me one. My stomach turned as I noticed the grease hardening on the plate in front of me (be nice) so I politely turned it down saying that I have to be careful about what I eat. And then it happened. The most beautiful words ever spoke at a bar..."I don't have to worry about what I eat after my grandmother told me about stretchy pants." I was speechless. After an awkward pause he continued with "you know, stretchy pants. The kind with the elastic waistband (as he gestures pulling out the waist of his pants). With elastic bands my stomach just grows as I eat with no pain." I was speechless. (BE NICE!) I had no words and after an even longer pause I had to change the subject. Let's evaluate what was wrong with what happened.

1) You ordered cheese sticks and when I said "be careful about what I eat" you think I'm referring to a painful stomach and not my heart, arteries, and other organs that would be hardened by the grease.

2) You talk about how you not only shop with your grandmother, but you take her advice on clothes.

3) The advice you take is in regards to stretchy pants. STRETCHY PANTS. You know...the kind with the elastic waistband.

4) You tell me this story at a bar. Where others can hear. Where I have to be nice and ignore the snickering behind me.

5) You gesture stretchy pants to me because you thought I didn't understand. Oh...I understood.

To make this story even more interesting was how he ended the night (after a few more minutes of painful conversation). As he was getting ready to leave he THROWS a balled up piece of paper at me. Obviously already annoyed and about out of "niceness", I open it to find his business card. I flat out asked "Why the heck did you crumple it? Now I can put it in my wallet flat." His response? "I was nervous to give it to you." Again, let's run down why this is wrong.

1) You just threw a piece of paper at me.

2) You crumpled your business card (meant to imply "professional") in a manner equal to a 5 yr old.

3) If you were embarrassed to give it to me, why didn't you throw and leave? Why did you stick around for me to open it in front of you anyway?

So...

Lesson Learned: Sometimes no conversation IS better than awkward conversation. Although if you go for the awkward conversation you might just hear someone use the words "stretchy pants" in a sentence.