To-The-Point Guy

You can always spot them. The bachelor parties where all the guys look the same and are usually drinking hard liquor…Makers. Jack. A shot of Jaeger. Each sporting a long sleeve dress shirt with jeans…maybe a baseball cap but usually lots of just awkward hair gel (you can always pick out the ones who wear the gel just on “special” occasions). Cute, casual and ready to take on the town.

On this particular Saturday night I’m at the bar with a friend and our luck thus far was an old man in a Hawaiian shirt. So when I had the opportunity to make eye contact and flirt with one or two of the guys at the bar, I made a strong effort. After about 15 min of not catching anyone’s eye long enough to indicate my interest, one of the boys hollered over to me “OK, so which one of us are you interested in?” Obviously mortified I made up something flirty about not needing to pick out just one. Finally as the boys go to leave, Mr. To-The-Point came over and stated in a very matter of fact way “You’re cute, but we’re all taken. 3 married, 3 engaged and 2 with girlfriends. BUT we’ll be back to have a drink.” No, I did not hold my breath in anticipation. He just managed to speak one sentence and used all three bad words in that one sentence…“girlfriend, engaged, married.”

Interestingly enough, as I’m on my 3rd cucumber martini, I get a kiss on the check and turn to see Mr. To-The-Point. Again in not so gentle a manner, he tells me “So, I’m going to lay it out there. Our stripper just cancelled and we need a girl or two last minute. You and your friend are cute. Would you girls be interested?”

Of course he was kidding (right?), so I told him he couldn’t afford us as I then quoted our billable rates as attorneys and engineers (you know…those kind of professional women). Less than a second passed before he agreed. WAIT? WHAT?!? I just quoted him an exaggerated billable rate (from which I keep less than 30%) and he just agreed without blinking…without smiling…and with complete seriousness (almost panic) as he tried to find women for his bachelor party. Needless to say I turned down the job, and he immediately walked away…proving that it was NOT just some odd flirty pick-up but an actual proposition. He didn’t stay around to laugh it off, but went on his way to find a girl willing.

All of this did lead me to wonder…what price could I have set that would have at least led him to blink? Are strippers on to something? Set your own hours and keep more than 30% (of an hourly rate MUCH higher than any firm would pay). I do wonder if they ever found 2 friends to fill the spot and what those women actually do for a living.

Lesson Learned: Be careful who you try to make eye contact with at the bar. You may end up discovering that strippers make more money than you do and this can be a bit discouraging.

The Is Only In To You When He's Drunk Guy

My friend wanted to introduce me to one of her single friends. Great! After the necessary facebook stalking took place, I decided that it'd be okay if I met him. According to my friend, he was a good guy, went to Bible college, wanted to be a preacher, but has a stable job--all good things in my opinion. Did I mention that he was H-h-h-h-ot?! Yes. Ladies, we're talking about an Abercrombie catalog worthy body and a good face, too.

So, I show up to a bar that I've never been to before. Of course, I come with some of my good girlfriends, so if it ends up being a flop, I'll have not wasted the drive there. We get there. I meet the guy. Pretty sure my friend whispered in his ear "This is the girl I was telling you about." So, we chat as much as any two people knowing they've been set up can in a loud bar. I was asking all of the questions ("What do you do? Do you like it? Where did you go to school? Do you live around here?). He was very good at talking about himself, but managed to get a few questions to me as well. All in all, I was satisfied with this initial conversation. After about 15 minutes, we parted ways for a bit. I stayed with my girls--we danced, drank, and chatted for about an hour and a half.

Then, the guy returns to where we are standing. At this point, he is tanked. I mean, it's obvious that he's become drunk, but he's not mean, or anything like that and is fairly coherent. So, he sits down next to me--really close to me actually. He proceeds to tell me that I'm intmidating because of my job and that I'm smart and that he doesn't know how to act around me. My reaction to this is just to tell him that I'm not intimidating and that I'm totally normal. I tell him that his job is not a joke (at this time he helped run/manage a fertilizing company) and that he's really nice. He then proceeds to bite my shoulder... then he kisses my neck. I mean, the door was WIDE OPEN for a make out, but I did not give in. I grabbed my friend and said bye. He didn't ask for my number.

A couple days later, I did what any girl would do and asked my friend if he said anything about me. He told her that he thought I was really nice and funny and fun to talk with and pretty. He also told her that he hoped he didn't blow it because he got drunk. This leads me to believe that he likes me, and I'm stoked! I facebook friend request him. He accepts immediately. So, the next week, I go to the same bar again in the hopes that I'd run into him. The funny thing is that he's there, but he does not come and talk to me. Literally an hour and a half goes by, and nothing. I know he saw me. So, I eventually go up and talk to him, and we chat for about 10 minutes. My goal that night was to leave knowing that I'd given him my number. Despite his (perhaps) unwillingness to come talk to me, I went up to him on my way out, told him I was leaving, and gave him my card. Not 10 minutes later, he texted me and said that he didn't want me to leave. WHAT.THE.F**K! Why the hell didn't he come talk to me then?!?!?

So, my schedule didn't allow me to back to that bar for a while, but we exchange a few text messages and facebook comments for a while. I went back to the bar, and we chatted but it just wasn't the same. He always acted a little nervous around me and talked himself up a lot. I just counted it as him trying to impress me... It was actually doing the opposite.

However, my hormones were getting the best of me, and I still put forth the effort in trying to get to know and really just putting myself out there. I mean, did I mention that he was really hot? At any rate, as time went on, this guy was not putting in the effort to get to know me, so I just let it go. Do I see him every once in a while? Yes. Am I overly friendly and a bit flirty? Yes. Does it get me ANYWHERE? No.

What I learned is that this guy only has the confidence to express himself to me when he's totally wasted and is nervous around me and stand-offish when he's not drunk. Is this flattering? Of course it is. But this will get me no where. The guy that's only in to you when he's drunk will only make you question yourself and your worth. I've wasted too much time on this guy because of that first night when he was definitely giving me the green light. He was drunk. That's why he was doing that. I made up too many excuses for him: he's insecure, he's shy, he's tired, he's preoccupied. NO! As women, we do NOT need to give guys these excuses, and we don't need them to only be into us when they're intoxicated. Elsewise, we'd be falling for guys that are drunk 24 hours a day, and that's no good. So be aware of that guy that's only into you once he has a few drinks in him. Can we give him the benefit of the doubt that first time? Yes. But when it seems like that's the only way he can express himself, he's not dating material. Period. I gave this guy so many chances and opportunities letting him know that I was interested and received nothing in return. Next please.

Ex-Navy Seal Guy

Traveling for work has provided me with many opportunities to meet men of all shapes, styles, and liquor preferences. I hope to share many of my stories with you over the next few months and wanted to start with a personal favorite.

One evening I returned to the hotel from a run-sweaty and red faced- smelling of a gym bag. As I get onto the elevator with four of the most ruggedly handsome men I’ve ever seen, I divert my eyes hoping that they will not see, hear, or smell me. Fail. I catch the eye of “Bob” (of course I did not know his name at the time). I was hooked. I heard their conversation identifying a meeting time in the lobby for dinner… my stalker skills said to show up, but the lady in me knew better. Somehow we all ended up at the same restaurant (the fact that I knew their car and saw it in the parking lot was just coincidental), at the same bar, at the same time. For the next 2 hours I sip my wine, eat my dinner, and eye flirt with Bob from across the bar. Every time he gets up for the bathroom I just know he’s going to come by and say hello. He never does.

As the men pay their tab, Bob decides to head my way instead of to the door. At this point I’m waiting for a typical greeting, typical introduction, but nothing about Bob was typical. He leans over to whisper (yet loud enough for the others around me to hear) “What is your room number? I want to talk to you.” What’s a girl to say except “323”.

Over the next few days we are together, we watched lighting bugs, drank cheap wine, and discussed everything about life, but very little about him. He refused to share. All I learned was that he was an older ex-Navy seal with tattoos in locations that are only chosen to prove one can withstand pain. He was involved in a real fight club because he could only find his soul when his body was too physically weak to function on its own. He called me out on my “guarded BS” and forced me to really evaluate how I viewed myself as a woman, not a 20-something girl. He was intense, passionate, and truly unlike anyone I had ever met (up to that point...because I had yet to meet Agent O ;) . We shared a few amazing moments, yet he would never kiss me on the lips or do anything that required him to let down HIS barriers. I knew the day he left would be the last day I’d ever see or hear from him and I was okay with that. Sometimes things are only meant for a moment.

Lesson learned: Whether it’s a phone number or a room number, sometimes a girl has no choice but to give it out.

The Lord of the Rings Tattoo Guy

I went with a friend to a bar I'd never been to before. It was very low-key for a Saturday night, and we were having a great time. A song came on the radio that my friend and I both knew, but we couldn't think of the name of the band. I turned to my left and asked the guy sitting there who it was. He knew the answer (score one point). And that's how the conversation started.

It was never my intention to "pick up" this guy; but my friend was off talking to some people we knew, this guy to my left was by himself, so it was only natural that we speak to each other. We exchanged pleasantries. He told me that he works for a company that does consulting for hospitals (what I heard was that he has a job with benefits and the potential for upward movement). Oh yeah. I forgot to mention that this guy was a hipster (wearing the fitted jeans, sneakers, open collared shirt, and yes, tattoos. Needless to say, I thought I may have unsuspectingly found that perfect mesh of qualities and characteristics that I've been looking for. Anyway, the fact that his shirt collar was open is important, because it revealed a tattoo that he had on his chest. So, naturally, I asked what his tattoo was (I may or may not have put my hand in his shirt and touched his tattoo when asking this). He told me I would laugh if he told me. I said he was probably right. So he told me that it was of the tree of Gondor and seven stars of something from the Lord of the Rings. He loves the books so much that he had it permanently inked on his body. I mean, it wouldn't have been my first choice, but he liked it, and I wasn't going to make fun of him (too much) for it.

It was getting late and time to go. I was not going to volunteer my number to this guy, but I didn't have to. He asked for it and told me he would call me. And you know what? He actually did call me. And we talked for about thirty minutes, he said he would call me the next day or the day after, and when when we hung up, he texted me a winky face. Things were looking good. Two days passed, and I hadn't heard from him. But the night of that second day, he texted me and said that he hadn't forgotten about me, that he was really sick, and if it'd be all right if he called me sometime soon. To me, this meant that he was an attentive guy or just giving me an excuse and I'd never hear from him again. Well, a whole week passed, and I had pretty much decided that he wasn't going to call. But, he called and, again, we had a pleasant conversation. I mean, he made me laugh, I made him laugh. It was good. He asked me what I was doing the weekend, and we set up a time to meet up on Sunday.

We met at the park. Maybe not the best idea because it was 95 degrees out. At any rate, I saw him, and he was as good looking as I remembered (which is not always the case). We walked around and chatted about lots of things: work, church, family--all of the "get to know" things. I figured he liked me because we had chatted on the phone a few times. Then the red flags started popping up. He talked about his ex-girlfriend too much. He told me that he's just as happy playing video games (I should've walked away right then) as he was going to a party. He was TEXTING while we were hanging out. Then he started thinking out loud about the things he was going to do for the rest of the day... and he really wasn't inviting me to join him. He walked me to my car and told me that I was welcome to come get yogurt with him. He said he was going regardless. That makes a girl feel really special and nothing like a tag along. But he also said that we'd definitely be "doing this again," so if I didn't want yogurt it was no big deal. Depsite my better judgment, I went to get yogurt--I even drove because we at my car by then. We got yogurt, and we paid separately. Once we were finished, we got the heck out of there, and I dropped him off at his car. He said again that we'd do it again soon. I never heard from him again.

Here's the thing. When I think about our "date," I think to myself that it didn't really feel like a date. I mean, we got along, laughed at each other, and conversation was easy. But he wasn't flirty. I did all of the complimenting. For example, I told him I liked his purple shoes, and he proceeded to tell me all of the colors of shoes he had (and I think he may have more shoes than me, which is another red flag, maybe). You know, I'm not mad or sad about the situation. And I'm not even wondering why he didn't call. I'm just wondering why he would've said TWICE that we'd hang out again, and then he doesn't followup. Despite the red flags, I would've gone out with him again. Why? Because he was funny, had a (good) job, was wearing skinny jeans, purple converse, and had that damn tattoo.

So, what DID I learn? I'm attracted to tattoos. However, all tattoos are not created equal. Some are cool and sexy--this I know for sure. Some are not--this I know now. I have never read Lord of the Rings, and when a guy expresses his love for J.R.R. Tolkien by permanently labeling his body with a fictional tree and can only show it off by keeping the buttons on his shirt unbuttoned a point where you wonder if you're going to see navel, get up from the bar and find your friend. Something is amiss with that siutation, and we don't need to waste our time finding out what it is.

Mr High School Quarterback...25 years ago!

It should have been the perfect recipe for a great start to a relationship... but Mr "Highschool Quarterback" turned out to be a bad dish!  It had all the makings of a great date (ingredients - check), location (correct sized baking pan - check) and basic conversational elements (measuring devices - check).  But in no time at all, it headed downhill...  falling like a poorly made souffle. 

When he mentioned he didn't drink much, but hammered down 4 beers and 3 vodka tonics, I should have taken notice.  When he mentioned multiple times he used to be a quarterback in highschool (25 years ago) , I probably should have ran.  But I agreed to a second date, thinking maybe I was being too harsh (WRONG).  On the second date, mid second game of bowling... he asked if I'd lost a lot of weight (WHAT???).  I said yes, that in fact, I had.  He then asked how many more pounds I wanted to lose (yes, he REALLY did).  I kind of nervously giggled and mentioned 11 more and I'd be thrilled.  Then he asked if when I was done if I was going to have any plastic surgery to "finish up the job."  (YES, REALLY...) I said no, and explained that if I'm the least bit self conscious about my body, why would I be any less so if I was covered in scary scars that looked like a cheap road map??? 

Lesson learned:  if someone says one thing, but does another, you don't have to scrap the whole dish at that point.  BUT - take notice.  When the questions head into inappropriate and uncomfortable areas...throw the whole thing in the trash and walk out.  If people don't have censors of any type, I don't think it's up to us to build them for them.  But hey, maybe next time MR-Not-so-perfect wants to comment on what he perceives to be someone's shortcomings, maybe he'll at least think.  Or maybe not.  But either way, we won't be subjected to his insensitivity or stupidity.